Topic: Westward, Ho!
Lester: How was your weekend, lady?
Marcos: I found out that my ex is leaving Brooklyn and moving to Long Beach, which is near L.A., so that was kind of annoying to hear because now there's a chance we'll run into each other.
Lester: That's against the rules. He should stay on his coast or just leave the country.
Marcos: THANK YOU! Anyway, I spent the weekend coming to terms with the fact that I'll probably run into him at some point. Needless to say, I've prepped my zingers. They're going to be hilarious and biting, though ultimately accepting.
Lester: Kind of like a random sexual encounter
Marcos: I'm going to say, "You're too late, [redacted]. This place already has a trashbox." At which point, I'll kick a nearby trashcan.
Marcos: Then he'll say something about how I am, and I'll say, "I'm great! I'm eating right, exercising and staying away from harmful toxins such as yourself."
Marcos: Then later, when he suggests we hang out, I'll say, "Much like the STD you gave me, it's taken months to get you out of my system and I have absolutely no interest in recontracting you. Enjoy Long Beach." Then I'll laugh maniacally and walk away.
Lester: While stroking a hairless cat...or a blood diamond.
Marcos: Stroking a hairless cat WITH A BLOOD DIAMOND RING ON MY FINGER!
Lester: Cuz that's how you roll.
Marcos: That's how I fucking roll.
Topic: Annette Bening's O-Face
Marcos: Maggie, where the hell did my weekend go?
Lester: I pretty much slept mine away.
Marcos: I did see Annette Bening act the fuck out of "The Kids Are All Right." She plays this passive-aggressive, work-obsessed, alcoholic, power lesbian doctor. It was amazing.
Lester: I really hope they throw an Oscar in her face already.
Marcos: I hope they throw it so hard, an imprint of her Oscar's face remains on her face for the rest of her life, constantly reminding the world of her long overdue accolade.
Lester: Best part of the movie. Go.
Marcos: Annette and Mark Ruffalo (who looks amazingly good naked in this thing) are fighting and she screams, "I need you in my life like I need a dick in my ass!"
Lester: LOL! OSCAR!
KiNda FaBuLoUs: The Awkward Date: A "How To" Guide →
If there’s one thing I’m an expert on: it’s going out on awkward dates with awkward men. I’ve been doing it for years, so I think that makes me an expert right? Last week, I had three of the most awkward dates since turning a quarter life old. If you guys are curious on how to successfully sustain… TESTIFY!
"I can't believe there are all these people going,...
babyastronauts: -Kelly Cutrone I was just telling Lester yesterday that I felt like Kelly Cutrone’s balls.
Topic: Laverne And Shirley 2010
Marcos: So, tell me, how did you celebrate co-dependence day?
Lester: Ugh, I ate too much and drank non-light beer.
Marcos: OMG, gross. Were you high or something?
Lester: Well, obviously. I went to Coney Island with some friends, then to a birthday BBQ. You?
Marcos: I went to a catered party, chugged a Smirnoff Ice, watched my friend perform an abridged version of "Nights In Rodanthe" and made fun of some awful hipsters for not knowing what "Working Girl" was.
Lester: Perfect day.
Marcos: Pretty much. Any breaking news?
Lester: Yes! Apparently, straight girls really dig a lack of ambition in a man.
Marcos: A lot of people do. It's like, "A middle-aged loser with no hopes, dreams, goals or drive who is totally incapable of sacrificing anything for the greater good? Is he single?!"
Lester: Meanwhile, here we are.
Lester: Schlemiel and shlimazeling all over the place.
Marcos: Hassenpfeffer incorporating drugs and alcohol into our lives to compensate for the fact we are without mens.