Topic: Getting Older
Lester: I think alcohol might be upsetting my stomach.
Marcos: Yeah, the older you get, the more it fucks you up.
Lester: In that case, I'll be getting a new stomach.
Marcos: I realized, after the most recent holiday season, that my body doesn't process it as well as it used to.
Lester: Isn't it sad? I don't bounce back like I used to. It's more of a bounce followed by a slow crawl.
Marcos: It makes you realize, "I really need to change the way I do things. Maybe I shouldn't shotgun this beer then down this bottle of 151. It's a Tuesday."
Lester: I realized that when I woke up next to Sam Ronson in Beverly Hills clutching a bottle of Xanax and a tuft of dyed blonde hair, dead and frayed at the ends -- much like the career of the once-ingenue to whom it belonged.
Marcos: OMG! GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?!
Marcos: I got ready and I look really cute today.
Lester: Is this your entire story?
Nothing is more fun than fucking a guy you would fuck anyway, but with the added...– Words of wisdom from my past to one Ms. Katherine Spiers.
Topic: Diane Keaton's White Skirtsuit in the Final...
Marcos: There it is.
Lester: Though I'm sad it's not a pantsuit.
Marcos: It's better than a pantsuit...it's a skirtsuit!
Lester: She's literally everything I want to be. An Oscar-winning, bespectacled kook of a lady who doesn't care and doesn't need to. Let me walk around in a curtain for a shirt and pants from Dress Barn. I did 'Annie Hall.'
Marcos: The color symbolizes re-birth and purity of character, while the cut of the outfit itself symbolizes strength and the perennially important 'you go girl' attitude.
Lester: That and nothing says Repsectable Lady more than a demure cream look from head to toe.
Marcos: A flawless woman in a flawless outfit in the flawless final scene of a flawless movie. Just, all-around flawless. Lucy Flawless.
Lester: When i'm divorced and cast aside by my husband, Anderson Cooper, I'll take to wearing white. That is of course after I try to throw myself off the roof of my building a la Stockard Channing in the first 5 minutes of the movie.
Marcos: When my husband left me for sloppy NYU undergrad handjobs in the David Barton steamroom, I took to wearing a lot of black.
Lester: Girl, you'll be wearing bold prints in no time.
Marcos: Oh, I already am. I'm wearing a leopard-print Snuggie.
Topic: Lester's Sex Life, or the Curious Case of...
Lester: So I was trolling the Manhunts yesterday as I'm prone to do in my sexless life.
Marcos: So I've heard and occassionally witnessed/pitied.
Lester: And this guy messages me and wants to come over and "hang out."
Marcos: So you celebrated President's Day Clinton-style?
Lester: Yes, Hillary Clinton style; alone, bitter and in an unflattering pantsuit.
Marcos: What happened?
Lester: He comes over, we make some awkward banter, then after telling him I don't have any condoms, he goes out to get some. And never comes back.
Marcos: Why didn't you have any condoms?
Lester: That's like asking a Kardashian why they don't have any self-respect. Life has taught them they don't need any.
Marcos: Maybe he just got lost on the way back to your apartment? To be fair, you do live in the middle of nowhere, i.e. the Bronx.
Lester: I called him and he didn't answer his phone so I'm hoping he was mugged and left for dead in the middle of the street.
Marcos: Well, we can only hope.
Marcos: Do I have an obvious type?
Lester: Ummm...tall, dim, oafish, white nerds with dark features? Yeah.
Marcos: I blame Keanu Reeves for making me fall in love with him whilst going through puberty, imprinting his image onto my sexual subconscious like a gay duckling.
Lester: I guess my type goes back to my first crush as well.
Marcos: Lou Ferigno?
Lester: LOL! No, Joey Lawrence. I like dumb, buff, pretty boys.
Marcos: It all makes sense now.
Lester: So you're constantly craving Keanu?
Marcos: That's totally the title of my biopic, which is essentially a gay remake of "Desperately Seeking Susan."
Lester: Love that.
Marcos: Starring Adam Brody as Marcos Luevanos, Mo'Nique as Lester Brathwaite, Sally Field and Lou Diamond Phillips as Marcos' disapproving parents and Keanu Reeves as himself.
Lester: I think Nancy Meyers already made this movie and it's called, "Something's Gotta Give."
Marcos: What would be the movie of your life with Joey Lawrence?
Lester: Brokeback Mountain
Marcos: Well if it isn't Lisa Leslie Brathwaite.
Lester: If it isn't Kelly Kapowski Luevanos
Marcos: How in gay hell--a.k.a. Chelsea without Zabar's--are you?
Lester: I'm good, and yourself?
Marcos: Fab. I'm drinking this tea Angelina Jolie drinks. It gives me tons of energy and multiple bowel movements.
Lester: Is that what you called me about last night?
Marcos: No, I called because "I Didn't Know My Own Strength" came on the radio and I was going to sing it to your voicemail, but just as soon as your War and Peace-length intro was over SO WAS THE SONG!
Lester: I know, I hate my VM. It's so boring, but I'm going to start having interviews eventually so I have to keep it to seem professional.
Marcos: I want to change mine every month, doing a different voice every time.
Marcos: "Grrrowl! This is Eartha Kitt. You've reached my voicemail from beyond the grave. Please leave your name, telephone number and a brief message and I will have my undead assistant, Marcos, get back to you."
Lester: "And if this is Batman...I've catnapped the commissioner and I'll only release him if you put a little milk in my saucer. That's a euphemism for sticking your dick in my BEEEEEEP."
Topic: The Grammys
Marcos: Taylor Swift.
Lester: Don't swear at me so early in the morning.
Marcos: Album of the Year? How did this happen on our watch?
Lester: Did she just use one of those claw machines and pluck it out? Because they certainly weren't based on talent or merit.
Marcos: Do you think maybe Taylor won because people were split between B and Gags?
Lester: I think Taylor won because no one has taste.
Marcos: Thing is, I actually enjoy Taylor Swift.
Lester: If you're not a part of the solution, you're a part of the problem. A skinny, off-key, whore of a problem.
Marcos: She did sound like she was auditioning for American Idol.
Lester: And she would not have made it through to Hollywood.
Marcos: Where was Kanye when you need him?
Lester: Probably practicing restraint.
Marcos: It looks like my "Kanye was right" t-shirt is going to have a second life.
Lester: After last night, I need a "Kanye was right" bodysuit.
Topic: Trash Day
Marcos: I feel like a piece of trash today.
Marcos: I'm hungover, I just had sex with a porn star and I'm wearing a wifebeater.
Lester: LOL! You're Britney Spears circa two years ago.
Marcos: I know.
Lester: You dirty, dirty whore.
Marcos: I know.
Lester: I just watched the "Bad Romance" video for the billionth time.
Marcos: I have to limit myself to once a day or I won't get anything done.
Lester: I need to dance to that ASAP.
Marcos: I'm considering going to a West Hollywood club for that reason alone.
Lester: I mean, what other reason is there? Hear it, dance to it, make out to it, leave.
Marcos: Pretty much.
Lester: Have you seen the "Video Phone" video?
Lester: Beyoncé is clearly a robot.
Marcos: Who gains sustenance by eating former Destiny's Child members.
Lester: Is the "Telephone" video out yet?
Marcos: I don't think BeGagcé has gifted the world with that as of yet.
Lester: BeGagcé! I wish they would form--like Voltron--into one uber superstar.
Marcos: And destroy the earth, recreating it to their specifications.
Lester: i.e. a gay dance club with a runway. They'd rule forever and I'd be fine with that.
Marcos: Everyone deathdrop! So speaketh BeGagcé!
Lester: I'm so happy thinking about this.